How I am doing

I never realized how hard it would be to put down here my thoughts and feelings. Part of our jobs here is to stay connected to our communities back home and interpret our experiences. In a way this has been the most difficult thing so far. My daily experiences are going to happen whether I want them to or not. I have made the decision to be here and this is what my life is right now. The experience isn't the hard thing. The hard thing is making sense of it all and harder still is the explaining that process to others. So here's mud in your eye.

I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with here has been the juxtaposition of abject brokeness and a general sense that everything's fine. Belfast is a modern city. If I look hard enough I can get any comfort from home I want. Many things here are nicer than at home. They have recently built a huge ferris wheel in the city centre next to city hall to attract tourism. "Developing communities" don't do things like that and Belfast isn't developing in that sense. But for me it is really hard to understand why there is a big wheel that costs 6 pounds to ride (that's about $12) or why the health care here is free, yet when I ask my young friend Dylan how his day was an emotional wall shoots up and he says "fine" defensively like I am trying to hurt him some how. I can't fit the pieces together in which there are far fewer homeless people here yet kids here, right around me, feel like they have to take drugs and drink to get on with there lives. How does a place that seems so familiar to me on surface levels create an enviornment where 16 and 17 year olds feel like suicide is the only option. These things don't make sense to me and they probably never will. This is my home now and my home doesn't make sense.

But, never fear, I won't leave you on that note. Things don't make sense, this is true, but this is the kind of thing I have been praying for. I have begged God these past few years to profoundly confuse me. Give me something to gnaw on. How else am I supposed to mull over what is worth doing in this life on this earth. The case may be right now that I'm choking a wee bit on a bite too big, but if i remain persistent then there is no reason why I won't be able to swallow all this someday. Know that I am well and that I think of you all often.

Alex