Something new...

I made a discovery today. Its something I've felt for a long time but couldn't put words to. I found the words today while talking to my housemate jess. It was one of those long serpentine conversations where you talk with someone about all sorts of really important things but you wind your way through so many topics that you can't retrace how you got where you got. It just feels good after. Anyway, we've officially started celebrating Christmas here because we had a thanksgiving dinner so we watched a christmas movie, Love Actually. Its a bit sappy but its well made and I like it a bit so... For some reason afterword we started talking about sept. 11 and from there, don't ask me how, we somehow got to talking about the church and inclusivity or lack thereof. All of that to tell you about my discovery, take it for what its worth ive only started to figure it out but i feel really good about it. here goes

So many times in church we feel the need to define who is "in" and who is "out." We describe those who are "in" as people who have faith and those who are "out" as people who don't have faith or a faith different than ours. Fair enough. We like to make categories. Its always hard to make distinctions between people but we do it. So these neat and tidy lines become smeared when someone comes to the church and says, "I have faith. I am one of the "in" ones. Can I come into the church?" But we say to that person, "No you can't come in because you are______ and you have_______. You are "out." Sorry." We may not outright deny that person and say, "you have no faith" but we do place a higher value on what that person is or what they have in order to include them in our church. What I feel like that basically says is "if you fit into the church than you have a valid faith." Putting prerequisites on faith is troublesome to me because it severely limits how our collective faith can grow and be challenged. It also doesn't seem very nice. What if instead the church said to people, "your faith is valid because you are_______and you have_______and God loves you for it. Come on "in" and tell us your story. Whether we know it or not we all have a relationship with God, a bit of faith, something to give us enough hope to wake up in the morning. We as christians, because of our basic theology should know that Christ died for everyone, all inclusive, whether you believe it or not. So why do we insist on putting stipulations on being apart of the church and having faith? Why can't the only rule for those that are "in" be that they are loved by God? Wouldn't that be everybody and isn't that the point?

I decided to share this with all of you because it is the first coherent thought that has made its way all the way out of my head since i've been here and Im excited. It shows two things. 1) that I am finally becoming comfortable enough here to think about things and 2) that I am actually learning something here!!!! I hope it makes sense to all of you. Please please please pick it apart if you want. Let me know what you think. Im down for email disscussions or what not. And if ive hit on something big here possibly some email arguments...

There is hope in Belfast my internet friends, my brain still works. Maybe its because my diploma finally came in the mail. hahahahaha.

Know that I am well and think of you often
Alex

How I am doing

I never realized how hard it would be to put down here my thoughts and feelings. Part of our jobs here is to stay connected to our communities back home and interpret our experiences. In a way this has been the most difficult thing so far. My daily experiences are going to happen whether I want them to or not. I have made the decision to be here and this is what my life is right now. The experience isn't the hard thing. The hard thing is making sense of it all and harder still is the explaining that process to others. So here's mud in your eye.

I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with here has been the juxtaposition of abject brokeness and a general sense that everything's fine. Belfast is a modern city. If I look hard enough I can get any comfort from home I want. Many things here are nicer than at home. They have recently built a huge ferris wheel in the city centre next to city hall to attract tourism. "Developing communities" don't do things like that and Belfast isn't developing in that sense. But for me it is really hard to understand why there is a big wheel that costs 6 pounds to ride (that's about $12) or why the health care here is free, yet when I ask my young friend Dylan how his day was an emotional wall shoots up and he says "fine" defensively like I am trying to hurt him some how. I can't fit the pieces together in which there are far fewer homeless people here yet kids here, right around me, feel like they have to take drugs and drink to get on with there lives. How does a place that seems so familiar to me on surface levels create an enviornment where 16 and 17 year olds feel like suicide is the only option. These things don't make sense to me and they probably never will. This is my home now and my home doesn't make sense.

But, never fear, I won't leave you on that note. Things don't make sense, this is true, but this is the kind of thing I have been praying for. I have begged God these past few years to profoundly confuse me. Give me something to gnaw on. How else am I supposed to mull over what is worth doing in this life on this earth. The case may be right now that I'm choking a wee bit on a bite too big, but if i remain persistent then there is no reason why I won't be able to swallow all this someday. Know that I am well and that I think of you all often.

Alex